Ahhhnother Year!

2013. Today, the first day. I sit in eager anticipation of what this year holds, and I'm not really sure as to all the details to why. Perhaps you can chalk it all up to hope and a very thankful heart. Our life is so rich and full, people, and I'm not speaking monetarily. haha. Lets keep it real here, we live on one pastor's salary. But even so, even so! I think so much of this feeling in my heart towards our life is due to the very fact that I have had a front row seat in watching God provide for us a lovely home, and all we need and more. He works outside the limitations we think exist, and answers prayer in ways my little brain would never have thought up. My husband thinks bigger thoughts about God than I do. His eyes are better fixed, and his heart attuned, to recognize the goodness of God. And so he dreams bigger dreams, for himself, for our family, for our community, for our world. And I learn. Thankfully, I learn! I feel that some days I hear God say to me, "Child, when will you learn to trust me? Really trust me?" I always considered myself to be a good student in life, but this lesson has been slow to dawn in my heart. As it dawns, though, I experience freedom to truly live as I ought to, and want to, and in a word, its just plain ol' glorious.

Which leads me back to the beginning of this post, and why I say down here in the first place. For the first time in my ding-dong life, I want to make New Year's goals! This is way out of character for my fearful, perfectionist self. In the past, I have struggled to put goals down on paper because I feared that I would not be able to accomplish them. I know, that sounds pretty childish. But I think my heart gets stuck in childish ways of living when it is not in the right place. This year is a little different. My mind is swirling with goals to reach towards, not because I think that I can reach them all, but I am feeling the freedom to... fail. Some reading this may think that this acceptance of failure in life is due to growing older. That may be a small factor, but I can tell you from my heart of hearts that I have learned it is okay to fail because regardless, I am loved and accepted by God. I am currently studying the gospel of John, chapter 10, and I am learning how Jesus is my Good shepherd. The word says that He knows me by name, each of us individually. I love this sweet picture of intimacy. He calls me beloved and, "Jessica, lift up your head, and keep moving forward." And dare I say it? Some of my failures are ordained by Him to bring me to a place of really trusting Him. I am not going to be a perfect wife, or mother, and that is okay. Because I have seen God use my failures in ways that I could not dream up, and it all points back to Him, all His Goodness and whoa, I am blessed. And sometimes I don't see the results tied up neatly with a bow, but that is okay too, because I am learning to lean into the reality that it will all work out in the end, all for God's glory. My life is solitary thread being woven into a beautiful large tapestry of His story. Frankly, I am tired of living life in fear and worry and let it stopping me from experiencing even more of the goodness of God. And so, I make goals, and I think about dreaming bigger for my life.

I most likely will not share too many of my personal goals here in this space. Hate to disappoint. But today is a day for praising Him for His goodness, even in what is hard, and for penning my hopes for the future, trusting that what lies ahead is ordained by His loving hand. I leave you with this verse which hangs by my bathroom sink,

"The Lord your God is with you,

    he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

    he will quiet you with his love,

    he will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17