Life These Days

It is hard to describe the beauty that I experience on a regular basis these days. In the boys playing peacefully together on the living room floor, in their laughter, in the small victories that come in potty training, in milestones gained after being labeled "behind," in the sweet hugs and pats on the back,in the "Momma, you my best friend," in the immediate obedience after months of the opposite... I am so very thankful and at peace with the ins and outs of our days. Oh yes, I have hard days, and full days, and some days that make me want to hide in my closet (which would be very hard to do, as it is over-full and quite small)... But all in all, there is so much that is praise-worthy.  And I was thinking about this, with my heart so full, and something dawned on me. My life is not any easier than it has been in the past, surely it is in fact, much more complicated. I work harder, sacrifice more than I ever have. I sleep less. My time is very rarely my own. Heck, I wipe bottoms all the live-long day. What is it, then? Why does it all feel so... good? Why do I feel more like myself in the midst of all of the chaos of boys running, screaming, toys all over the floor, cheerios stuck in the carpet. I think there are several factors, but they all add up to Grace.

I'm not saying that I am old, but I feel old enough to be able to look back on my life with some clarity and objectivity. I appreciate where I have been and I am happy to be here, not pining away for younger days. I like the perspective that 33 brings, old enough to know more about how the world works, yet young enough to chase around two young children with spirit and strength. I have earned the laugh lines, and am grateful for the wisdom that can come with years passing. I feel like having a second child has caused me to slow down and appreciate these "baby" days more. Because I know how quickly they went with the first.Isn't that what everybody says? I watch old videos of my little bitty Max when he first started crawling or jabbering away nonsensically. And my heart hurts as I see that I will never hold that baby again. I looked down at the length of his body spread in the bathtub today as he pretended to be swimming like a dolphin, and I could not believe how long he was. He almost filled the tub. Incredible. So I squeeze both kiddos more often. I sit on the floor in the middle of the blocks a little longer.

I appreciate with more depth a lot of things that I formerly took for granted. Like quiet. Right now I sit in our brown leather recliner and I have three babies (mine plus Emmie), all asleep at the same blessed hour. I feel like I won the lottery today. All I hear is a distant airplane and birds chirping in the neighbors yard. I never appreciated quiet so much until my life was so NOT quiet. And there is time, sweet luxurious time. Last night as I snuggled up next to my husband on the couch, laughing. We recounted how free we were before having kids, how we could run off to see a movie if we felt like it... I so enjoyed sitting with him there, because many of our evenings are full with other people, or things that have to get done, and it was so very good to just to laugh and be.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have our life any other way, but the busy-ness of it makes one appreciate the relaxed moments a bit better.

I now feel comfortable in my skin, in mothering a second toddler, the same kind of comfortable that I felt  in my job in HR pre-kiddos.  I loved that job, I knew who I was and what I had to offer. I loved the sense of community and purpose that I had there. Entering into motherhood, I felt like I lost all that. I did not hardly recognize myself and it was a really dark time for me. But now is so different. So free and easy and good. And there is so much to learn in each new stage with each child. There is beauty to be found in the ever changing, always stretching nature of parenting. For someone who likes change, this is a blessing. One of my mantras on the hard days (or nights) is, "This is just for a time, a season." Tomorrow can be completely different. Tomorrow they may eat what I have labored to put before the, tomorrow they may take a three hour nap, tomorrow we  may make it through the day without the kicking and screaming. Tomorrow is full of hope. So I enjoy today, so thankful for this full-time, wild ride of a job that is being a mom. It is a beautiful and worthy work.