To Do List

I am learning that with "To Do" lists, the value lies what you actually do, not what you didn't do. That sounds simple enough, right? But a lot of days I let what I didn't do get me down and discouraged. And a lot of days, the satisfaction of a list all checked off seems to define my worth. I'll tell you something about me: I like lists, or at least, I enjoy making them. I make lists at work for work, lists for groceries, lists of household chores, lists of people to write letters to and those who I need to call, lists of colors to paint the bedroom walls, lists of personal goals, lists of people to pray for, and lists of couples that we need to hang out with... and oh my, do I love checking things off those lists! Somedays I add items to a list that I have already done just so I can check them off. But you know the ugly reality? I hardly ever follow through on all the things I want to accomplish in one day. And then those lists glare at me, calling out my apparent inadequacy. And I go to bed frustrated that I did not get to making those phone calls and tidying my desk... I let something else eat up my time. Something else, like ironing. HA HA, its true. Those of you out there who have ever lived with me, know this. If ironing is on the list, it most likely is given first priority. Is this because I am fastidious about wrinkles and starch? No, not really. I just love to iron. It makes me feel relaxed, productive, and... in control.

In control. Oh dear me. It just dawned on me. I pursue completing things that make me feel most in control of my life. Oh, Lord God, forgive my rebellious spirit. Why is it so hard to sit still and be quiet before the Lord? Why can't I manage to squeeze more time in for devotions? Because it is there that I give my control over. Thats the goal anyway. I seek satisfaction from checking things off endless lists instead of finding fulfillment in God alone. Why? I often ask the Lord why He is so patient with the likes of me. I daily fail at serving and loving Him as He deserves. And yet He is so gentle, calling me back. As satan seeks to condemn me, whispering poison in my ear, "You are unworthy. You are not enough. He won't forgive that. You have had enough chances"... The Lord says, "I have better plans for you, better than even you have for yourself. Follow me. Drink from my wells. You are loved. Just as you are. Keep trying. Try again tomorrow. Watch Me, I'll show you how."

Goals are good things. And lists in and of themselves aren't bad. They help organize thoughts. But I'm going to take a break from writing them for awhile. The housework will still get done. The groceries will still find their way to the refrigerator. And I'm certain Joaquin's shirts will get ironed. I want to seek and to know my worth apart from the things I should do and the checkmarks on a piece of paper. I'm going to seek after my Creator. May this blog entry do its part in holding me accountable.